Redefining Joy (and Letting It Be Smaller Than You Expected)

I think many of us are quietly disappointed with our experiences of joy. Not because we don’t want to enjoy it more — but because it never quite looks the way we expected or were promised.

Surely Joy is supposed to feel big? Obvious. Life-changing. Especially if we look at social media – it’s meant to arrive as confidence, excitement, motivation. Something you notice. Something you can point to and clearly say, “There it is, that’s joy”

But for a lot of people, that kind of joy feels very far away. Especially when you’re tired. Especially when life has been a lot.

When joy feels out of reach

Many people I speak to say the same thing in different ways: “I don’t really feel joyful.” “I don’t know what makes me happy anymore.” “I feel flat.” What they usually mean by this is:

“I don’t feel the version of joy I thought I was supposed to feel.”

Because if we’re honest, joy has been sold to us as something loud. A highlight reel. A magical experience. And when our real lives don’t match that, we think we’re missing something. Something other people are experiencing with ease.

A quieter definition of joy

Here’s a gentler way to think about joy. Joy isn’t always happiness. It isn’t always excitement and energy.

Sometimes joy is neutral. Sometimes it’s calm. Sometimes it’s just enough.

Joy can look like:

• relief
• a moment of ease
• not feeling rushed for a few minutes

For many people, especially those coming out of burnout or long periods of stress, this is where joy begins. Not as a feeling that lifts you up. But as a feeling that settles you.

Why small joy matters

Small joy is often dismissed. It feels insignificant compared to everything else going on. It doesn’t feel worth celebrating. But small joy is what we experience when our nervous system feels safe. It’s what allows energy to return slowly, without force. It creates space for bigger joy.

When we skip over the small moments because they don’t feel impressive, we miss the foundation. This foundation helps us to tolerate the vulnerability that accompanies joy.

Letting joy be ordinary

Redefining joy doesn’t mean lowering your standards for life. It means allowing joy to meet you where you are right now.

It might be:

• enjoying the quiet after a busy day
• feeling a little lighter once you’ve finished something
• noticing that something didn’t feel as hard as it usually does

These moments count. They don’t need to be shared. They don’t need to be productive. They don’t need to lead anywhere. They’re enough on their own.

Something to gently notice this week

This week, you don’t need to chase joy. Just notice what doesn’t feel heavy. Notice what feels gentle or neutral rather than draining. Notice where there’s even a small softness or sense of ease.

That might be your version of joy right now.

And that’s not a failure. It’s a beginning.

I’m really glad you’re here.